InsaneJournal

Current mood:	depressed
Current music:	Forsaken [Queen of the Damned Soundtrack]

*curled up under a blanket*
So, I busted out the old music for this one, if that gives you any indication. Horrible movie, awesome soundtrack.

This past week since Halloween has been really interesting for me. I’ve come to realize a couple things. The first one is that, except for a very select few, I don’t trust anyone as far as I can throw them. The second is that I’ve found something that works for me, and I want to keep it.

Nothing here is meant to be taken personally by those reading. This is more me thinking out loud and getting things off my chest. My therapist says I’m afraid to tell people what I’m thinking because I don’t trust them to not get mad at me for saying it. I’m more inclined to tell people what they want to hear than what I’m actually feeling. I don’t want to tell anyone anything that could potentially be used to hurt me. So instead, I give smartass replies, like pointing to the ceiling when asked, ‘what’s up?’ or vague answers that let people draw their own conclusions. It’s less painful that way.

One upside to this is that I’m really good at acting like nothing is wrong. One downside to this is that I’m really good at acting like nothing is wrong. As such, I can’t really blame people for not knowing what’s going on with me. In fact, I don’t like it when people are able to read me easily, because it puts me off balance, which makes my responses usually more smartass-tastic than normal.

Insert well written transition into second topic here. I could start this twirling my hair, saying that I have the biggest crush on this guy. And like, he’s so totally awesome. But, I think I’d shoot myself. I really do like him though, a lot more than I let on. Which is part of the problem, I think. He is able to read me that well, which puts me in a weird space to begin with. On top of that, I get butterflies in my stomach around him. I get flustered, and can’t think straight. I know it sounds corny, but it’s true. There’s not really a better way to describe it.

However, I haven’t said any of this because he’s already in a relationship. It seems to happen to me on an abnormal level that the people I fall for are already taken. I guess I’m just special in that way. But I do know that he is, at least, physically attracted to me. It’s hard though, because—at the risk of sounding completely selfish and greedy—I want it. I want him. And I’m saying this here, because I don’t think there’s another place I can, and not feel more guilty than I do already.

And now that I’ve said it, I’m going to bed. Tomorrow is an early morning.